two days

Yesterday mainly cause I let myself down. Ever get that giant disappointed feeling, cause you screwed up? Yeah, that. I was happy to see Jason again but. I'm confused about him. The guy I know, the guy in front of me, the guy on msn and the guy everyone else knows are all different people. I can't get anything figured out, sometimes I think he's lying then I wonder, what if he's not lying? That would really suck if no one else believed you. But it's frustrating to talk to him on msn. I can't do it.
But he had a field day. Two firsts, man.
I went terrible. I more or less came last in both categories.
And proves my theory about males playing music better right. In both my sections, the musicians who came first and second were both guys. Either the adjudicator was sexist or they just play better. Honestly, Andy and Jason were so loud! They have a great sound.

Today, I lost my temper.
Usually I only storm and stamp around in my house (cause my parents drive me crazy) but today, I just couldn't control it.
I don't believe he would put me through this agony all over again. I struggled so much last time, and I still have doubts everytime I perform. And he's done it again. Completely changed he bowing and fingering for my Bach. Farout, might as well start a whole new piece altogether.

I've learnt a piece. What that means is that the bowing and shifting has been memorised so well that it's like instinct. I don't need to think about it, I am free to concentrate on playing the piece the way I like it. But now, since I have to concentrate on having the correct bowing and fingering, it's just unnecessary stress. I get so frustrated, because the style I like to play in is getting limited.

So I lost my temper.
I was so angry. More angry than what I usually am at home actually.
I didn't do anything that I regret (besides getting angry in the first place) but still.
I don't get angry.

Keeping an even temper is one of the most important things to me. I see it as such an embarrassment when people let their emotions get ahold of them. They affect everyone around them and it ruins the good day it was supposed to be. I hold almost contempt for people who do that. People who don't have an open mind, who are bent on thinking the way they do.

It leads to misunderstandings, it leads to arguments, it leads to a simmering of misdirected anger of emotions. I just want to be able to live in peace. Honestly, is it that hard? All people have to do is stop letting emotions rule them and take time to think things through logically.

It's not just people who have their own ideas and won't have an open mind. It also applies to people who might have an open mind, but believe themselves are correct. They force their beliefs on others and assumes people have the same values as others.

I'm talking in generalisations right now but this is directed at you.
You think their views are stupid? How about you take a good look at your own blind view. You ask where the meaning is.
Well have you ever thought there might not BE any meaning?
You are so annoying, you are so frustrating. Can't you just let the matter drop? No one's going to care what you think anyways. Loudly whinging about it won't change a thing. You make the people you are attacking sad. Can't they have their own beliefs?
Just leave us alone.

2009-05-24
2:01 p.m.
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