sad and happy

Yes, I do have a bit more to feel after coming back from Thailand. I was happy yet sad, bittersweet and complex, its flavours playing on my tongue and sliding down my eyes. But now, I don�t feel the happy anymore, just the sad. More sad, wider sad, deeper sad. It�s like after unlocking my frozen heart, I find there�s nothing in there but sadness.
  It wasn�t supposed to turn out like this.
I�ve forgotten what it was like to wake up happy and blissfully peaceful; to feel golden sunlight on my torso and breathe golden sunlight into my lungs. But now, the sun has set, and the inky dark sky, impossibly black; it eats away at me, consuming mind, body, spirit.

I had a phone call today.
My grandpa said, �I want you to know, that what happened on Sunday doesn�t matter. Don�t be angry; don�t keep it in your heart. Good luck for your exams, come down to visit me this Sunday. I�ll be waiting to see you then.�

I don�t know why it was so sad. I�m crying, and I still don�t know why. It just felt like such a moving gesture of kindness � I don�t remember the last time anyone was kind, actually kind, to me. Not just nice, or the type that come out of friendship, but truly kind, actually kind, the kind that is meant sincerely from the bottom of hearts. The feeling it gives me is like an abstract concept, something felt and understood, but not quite explainable through words. But it makes me so sad, makes my heart feel like the heavy anchor sinking down into sombre ocean depths, makes my veins freeze into virulent toxins in its icy waters.

Why am I always sad?
Don�t I deserve happiness?
Don�t I deserve better than what I have now?
And who taught me to think like this anyways?

2010-05-11
11:20 p.m.
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