wrath

People like to say that I'm stable, emotionally controlled, mature and thoughtful. They like to ask me for advice about life, because I seem like someone who knows all the answers.

The truth is, I'm an ancient rock, a lonely lighthouse constantly battered by sea. I live a life abused by a hurricane storm, sometimes subsiding but never ceasing - day after day of bitter punishment and demolition.
I get eroded away, by wind, rain and waves; the human parts of me get chipped away, little by little, until I am nothing but a flat rock platform - a supportive base, the leftovers of what was once a majestic towering rock structure. I am nothing but a flat piece of rock.

So of course I'm stable, just like the rock platform is stable. I'm emotionally controlled, because there are no more emotions left to control. I am mature; how else would you survive the pulverising storm? And thoughtful; because when you can't feel anymore, you think. Because to keep yourself teetered onto the edge of sanity, you need to think and find a reason to live. Because without rational thought, we are nothing about insane, pitiful animals howling in the darkness at the cruelty of life.

I thought I was building myself up again, dumping dirt layers upon dirt layers, stomping them flat, smoothing them out, starting the process again. I thought I had rebuilt at least a sliver of the former majestic rock.
But oh, how wrong am I; I guess.
I should know better.
Sediments take hundreds of years of intense pressure and heat before they fuse into rock.
And did I really arrogantly think I could rebuild a lifetime, many lifetimes, of patient work by Mother Earth in less than a year?
She's laughing at me now, swept away the pathetic efforts of a pathetic human, telling me to be content with that rock platform of mine.

I give up.
I've resigned myself to a rock platform. I've been eroded down to the concrete hard insides of my soul, the mean qualities of me that I will never rid myself of, that I can never hide anymore.
I am bitter.
I am resentment.
I am sardonic.
I am emotionless, empty, nothing.

I am not teenage angst-ing, or being moody or sullen.
This is who I truly am.
Wrath has finally appeared.
Steer clear of me, or I will destroy you. I will not spare anyone, I will not have any mercy.

2010-05-14
10:47 p.m.
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