dream forever

Maybe because I've been listening to songs that take you way back, to a different you that existed once upon a time in a kind of detached fantasy land.

Good stuff, good times, y'know?
Joey Moe - Last Serenade
Taio Cruz - She's like a Star
Trey Songz - Can't Help but Wait
Dusouth - Getaway Car
-and, older stuff
Sting - Fields of Gold
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
Shania Twain - You're Still the One

I had a dream, that I drove for ages and ages and ages. I didn't know what for, and I didn't know when I would arrive, but I just kept driving.

I got to a musty little house (anyone know what I mean?) and it was all worth while. I sat by a heater, one of those old cranky things with rheumatism and a nasty rattling cough, and played cards with grandma again. We laughed over epic failing, over blatantly obvious cheating, over ridiculous nothing.
Then she cooked me eggs and rice and soy sauce for breakfast, the way it had always been for as long as I could remember, slightly burnt and crunchy on the edges.

And I woke up.
But it was a bad waking up.
What would it be like, to dream forever? To never have to face reality, to live in the ideal world - the most beautiful figment of your imagination you could come up with.

I don't ever want to wake up.
I want to run through dusty corridors forever.
I want to eat fried rice and eggs forever.
I want to play cards with her forever.
I want to eat lunch with her forever, watch her wrap the Vietnamese rolls with deft crinkly hands.
I want to see her smile forever, in that old Asian way, where her eyes disappear and her cheeks lift, and no teeth ever show.
I want to tease her about that mouldy pink maroon beanie she wears and I never, never want to see the trinkets I inherited from her.

I'll never do any of these things anymore.
I miss her so much and I love her so much.

2010-05-24
5:45 p.m.
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